in case you needed a reminder as to why i’m on your shortlist of people not to fuck with
I was just walking Wagandstuff around the ‘hood when he decided to take a teeny tiny little crap in the middle of the sidewalk. Gross, I know, but dog’s go to the bathroom outside. It’s how they work. I immediately was all “fuck fuck fuck” because I didn’t have a plastic bag on my person to pick it up and we were in a very busy area. It’s not like it was going to biodegrate on the asphalt. So, I start to head in to the Coffee Bean to pick up a napkin and my regular iced coffee, when I was greeted by a man at the front door. He was coming there for me. He stopped me and was all “Excuse me, I was just coming to see if you planned on picking up after your dog.”
Well, I’m an unbalanced person you guys. I go from 0 to 60 miliseconds as it is, but when you bring my dog in to the equation, I get really ugly. I looked at him and I said “Yeah, buddy. That’s why I was coming in. To get a napkin. Want to know what’s funny? My dog just took a shit in the street, but you’re the fucking asshole. I’ve lived here for two years and I was unaware that you were the Mayor of Koreatown. Congratulations.”
Then I went in and talked to the baristas who are my mother fuckin’ girls. I love any and all staff members of Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. They hire quality/down ass individuals. I can chat with them. They ask me about work and they remember my dog’s name. So I told them about the asshole and I said “If you feel so inclined, that guy over there needs to have his day ruined.” But he was no longer in his seat. He was hiding in the bathroom. Because totally pussies are like that, you guys.
And I’ll tell you, when I was holding my dog’s shit in a Coffee Bean napkin just moments later, it took everything in my power not to walk back in to the shop and place it on his laptop and leave it with a note that read “if you’re so obsessed with it, why don’t you just fucking keep it?”
I know. I’m insane.
if i had a dog, there would be (at least) several hundred people in nyc with dogshit smeared somewhere on their person after coming into contact with me. so that’s why i don’t have a dog.
