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And this is exactly what I needed. Don’t get me wrong - I cried the first three days I was here, stuck in the past, beating myself up for my failures, for my missteps, for my mistakes, for what I didn’t yet have, for what I felt like I needed to make me “happy.” But just like hatha yoga, when you breathe into the pain, it does, eventually, dissipate. So that’s what I did.

Perhaps more important, I finally forgave myself - I forgave myself for all of the relationships I felt I had screwed up, for all of my character defects, for my sadness, for feeling so inexplicably lost. Then I let go. I said goodbye. I allowed myself to breathe - and then I felt it. I felt my soul relax, and, yes, I felt God rush in. It felt like every cliche in the entire world, every love song, every aphorism, every spiritual awakening. I cried tears of euphoria, because the wonderful thing about accepting yourself and God’s love is that it doesn’t require anything from you. You just have to show up. To clear room in your soul, to allow yourself to live in the present, without obsessing about the past or worrying about the future. To just be. And that’s the most freeing part of all. You cannot be rejected; you are always enough.

So here I am, exactly as I am. I wear the same clothing almost every day, a pair of ratty moccasins which have seen better days, some black Lulu Lemon yoga pants and one of the various thin cotton American Apparel tops I packed in my suitcase along with a dozen books and ten pounds of vitamins. No makeup - I didn’t even bring any - no curls. No heels, no bras. Nothing standing between me and nature, really. It’s wonderful and freeing and healthy and I feel like I’ve fallen back in love with the world. And it feels good. Really good.

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Julia Allison • Nonsociety • Hello from the ashram …

You guys, it is really, really hard to be an unemployed white woman of privilege these days. It’s pretty tough to have all that disposable income and contribute nothing to society, all while taking lots of pictures of yourself for your egoblog. I’m just really glad Julia’s finally forgiven herself for having no responsibilities in life.